Then, Now

On the stairs leading to the apartment, I sit.

A tea on one hand and my phone on the other.

I am outside the house but I am living in my own world, consumed by my happy thoughts.

Typing, smiling; typing, laughing.

I don’t utter a single word but I tweet a smiley or two.

There are no words to express how I feel. I am happy, contented, feeling blissful even. I am not worried about the next day or the next month. I am happy just living the moment.

Tomorrow, I will wake up early and run. I will welcome the world still half asleep with a big smile.

I will feel good.

I will go back home and check my phone. I will smile and prepare for work.

Oblivious to the world around me, I will put on my earphones and listen to my favorite playlist.

I will sing while swaying my head. I will enjoy the long walk and I will get lost in the music before I start chasing deadlines.

In between writing stories and fact checking, I will check my phone and smile.

In between writing stories and fact checking, I will go somewhere; I will meet someone; I will eat something nice; and I will feel good.

The day will end and I’ll be back to the staircase.

Back to my phone.

Back to my bed.

Before I close my eyes, I will smile.

I will sleep soundly, looking forward to the next day and the next month.

On the staircase leading to the apartment, I sit.

I feel the cool wind, I hear the kids shout.

I get my phone and type; I look around and wonder.

I don’t smile. I think. I look back.

I look up and hope and pray.

I want to be able to do this again without feeling sad.

I go back to my phone and contemplate.

I look at the photos and shake my head.

My feet dragged me back inside. The mosquitoes are feasting on my legs.

It’s still too early for bed.

I open my laptop and tried to write.

No such luck.

I lost my voice; I left my words somewhere.

I used to write long, now I write none.

Tonight, I am staring at the ceiling; counting sheep.

Tonight, just like any other night, I am thinking and hoping and praying.

I am wishing that tomorrow I will stop thinking.

I am wishing that tomorrow’s going to be busy, so busy that I will no longer have time to feel the pinch.

It takes a lot of self-control

Not to get my phone and sigh;

Not to think about the bliss that was once there;

Not to feel crushed, lost.

Tomorrow, I will get up two hours after my first alarm.

I will get ready for work but I will not check my phone until it’s time to leave.

I will pick a different playlist;

I will take a different route.

Tomorrow, I will hope and pray.

I will wish that it will be the day I have been looking forward to;

The day I no longer feel the pinch; no longer hear my heart breaking.

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