I am not good at confrontations that’s why sometimes, I just choose to walk away.
A few years back, I tried asking someone what happened; I tried explaining how things made me feel; I swallowed my pride to get answers. What I got in return was an ugly remark, a response that made me feel judged. I was told it was not a good attitude, I was told I should just keep my mouth shut. And since then, I never really asked the hardest questions again. I kept the feelings, I held on to the anger. It must have been me all the time and I should ask for forgiveness because after all, why would people treat you like crap when you didn’t do anything wrong? There must be something I didn’t realize along the way.
But I do try to ask sometimes, especially when I don’t want someone to leave my life just like that. It takes a lot of course to keep the fear of rejection aside, trust me, and most of the time, efforts aren’t even worth it — especially when someone is so determined to make you feel shitty.
What did I do this time, life? For something to go this colossally wrong, all the good things must have collided and crashed at the exact wrong moment.
Ang bigat lang.
I try to be optimistic and just think that life’s just like that — people walk in and out of life; things don’t stay the same. But there are days that it’s just too much to bear that ignoring it no longer works especially when it pinches your heart so hard… So hard that you just lose the little faith you have left.
You know it’s that bad when singing Katy Perry’s “Roar” makes you cry.
Sometimes, I just want to disappear. People, I understand, will hurt you and sometimes, they don’t intend to do so. Although there are some whose main goal is to rub things to your face and all you could do is silently weep because it’s crushing you. It hurts. It hurts because it matters.
I get sad sometimes when I hear my best friend say that this is the best year of her life. I get sad for myself because at some point, I also considered this year to be the best one until shit happened. It was an amazing year, there’s no doubt to that but looking back about the things that happened — Nanay’s death for instance — just makes me feel like this year doesn’t deserve that tag.
This year is different because I felt so much pain I thought I couldn’t bear. I was able to carry it anyways, I know. But while the year surely made me stronger, it also reminds me of what I lost along the way. Of course, I’m grateful about so many things. It’s just that, until the end, the pain holds on. Until the end, on the last month of the year, I discovered things that crushed me.
And while it’s easier to walk away, as always, it’s so heavy and I feel my heart breaking again. Funny though because I thought it’s broken enough. Ngayon, para na syang crushed grahams. Ganun kadurog.
I couldn’t sleep all night because of this. I have been dealing quite well with things ’cause I understand that life always throws curveballs but an extra shot of “fuck you, Claire” isn’t always too easy to ignore.
Again, WTF, life. Alam ko kaya ko naman, eventually. Pero pwede ba, tama na?
I fell,almost hitting the rock bottom; I dropped so low, but you see me fighting, standing and rolling with the punches. Hindi pa ba sapat yon? Kailangan mo pa ko talaga ibaon?
Today, you won. I was back down there. I know I’d still fight because, duh, it’s not like I have much of a choice.
Pero minsan, ayoko na talaga. Sa sobrang wasak ko, ayoko nang bumangon. Gusto kong antayin ka na lang na mapagod hanggang sa tumigil ka kasi ako pagod na ko.
Oh life. Please stop knocking me down. I’m trying to be a better person, can’t you see?