If there’s one thing all my heartbreaks in the past taught me, it’s the importance of knowing when to detach myself.
I have said in the past that most of the goodbyes that nearly killed me inside were sudden, abrupt and unexpected. What I realized along the way is that there are signs, always. I just ignore them and assure myself that they’re nothing. I normally exaggerate things in my mind so the knowledge of a possible paranoia pushes me to shrug things off.
But as days go by, heartbreaks keep on coming. While these aren’t necessarily about romantic misadventures, they often involve relationships with people I genuinely care about. Otherwise, why would I bother? Why would I wallow in self pity and existential anxiety?
I have been thinking how to put the past year in words, how I coped and how I managed to end the year with a surprisingly stable note — neither sad nor happy. Just okay. And sometimes, being okay is just fine.
I think I pretty much exercised a lot of control when it comes to decision-making and my feelings, despite occasional outbursts. Whether it brought more harm than good, I wouldn’t know for sure. But well, being on top of things shields me from heartaches.
People say being controlling kills the excitement and makes you miss a lot of possibly good things. But the act of controlling itself has its limits and I think one should know when to use this. I was not a total bore. In fact, I did a lot of things that I never did before.. which brought some blissful moments and unique experiences. I believe it’s all about balance. I think it wouldn’t do any good if we just go and have fun all the time.
I’m talking about these things because now I see some things I never saw before, and while most are still blurry, I think it gives me an idea how things would end up soon and it prepares me for a sudden emotional distress.
There’s a friendship that was so beautiful before — something I thought I’d keep for the rest of my life. But falling apart happens, and I learned not to ignore the signs.
When I started realizing it, I went to bed confused as ever. I tried to find excuses, formulated plans in my head, prayed for this thing not to fall apart.
But it’s bound to happen. While this relationship forms part of a bigger circle, it makes me sad to think that things wouldn’t be the same sooner. But people change. Don’t we all know that?
We used to talk about all the problems, personal dilemmas, adventures to take in the future. But things took a different turn. The get togethers never materialized and then we stopped planning altogether.
Again, it makes me sad. Sometimes, I still hope that there’s a magic dust that can make this bloom again. But I learned that sometimes you just have to give in and accept the fact that one day people may care about you, but it will entirely be a different when the two of you are no longer in the same page.
So what I am doing right now is to muster the art of detachment so that by the time comes, I wouldn’t blame myself so much. I know it’ll make me really sad, it will make me miss the good old times, and being prepared may not lessen the pain. But at least, I know. I think accepting it — while not entirely solving it — will somehow help me get back on track, with the memory of a beautiful friendship tucked inside my pocket.
Every now and then, I’ll take a look at it and remember the good old times. A small pinch in the heart but it will get better. This is probably one of the memories that I will forever look back with fondness.#