Sunday Blues

The surroundings outside looks normal. It doesn’t feel like there’s an approaching typhoon that’d hit the metro by tomorrow morning. It’s unusually cold. People aren’t sure if they’d attribute it to the weather disturbance down south or the Christmas season.

From where I sit, I see people. This coffee shop isn’t as crowded as I expected it to be on a Sunday night. There are several groups — friends and families. And there are at least seven seats occupied by lone souls — like me — who are doing different things: typing on their laptops, taking down notes, reading newspapers, devoting themselves on those smart handy gadgets they have on their hands.

I’ve been out of the blogging loop for quite some time now. Whenever I try to write about things, I stop midway and scrap the output. Everyday, I write about different stories since that’s my job. But those stories are easy to finish. I totally lost my creative juices. I don’t know how and why.

But it’s Sunday night and I don’t want to go home yet. I finished reading the magazines and newspapers on the stand, finished scrolling my social networking accounts. There should be something else more worthy to work on right now, maybe a rough draft or an outline of a yearend report due in the coming weeks. But I just can’t start writing with any sense. Hence, the blabber..

Things have changed… a lot. And a fresh set of changes, I’m sure, is well on my way. As to how I’m going to deal with that, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I have enough enthusiasm to begin with anyway.

A couple of more days left and this year would be over. The coming days, however, would make a difference on how I’m going to start the approaching year.

There are a few people I always talk about things like this. One particular friend, who’s probably the nicest but the most unstable one, would always bring up how we’d start the next year right. We always look forward to a better year ahead!

It had been quite difficult from him — a string of bad relationships in a span of 12 months. How is that even possible? Mine was less complicated though, but filled with a lot of changes nonetheless.

I’ve been in a denial for a long while now. My friend once told me that “the first step is acceptance” and I finally accepted the fact that I was in denial about a lot of things. That’s good, right? But even though I already admitted it, I still think it’s best to bottle up some feelings — so that I could contain them, control them and not let them contaminate my life. Maybe if I just go with the flow and be more honest with myself it will make me more satisfied? I don’t know. Maybe it’s that fear. Or maybe I don’t see enough reasons… yet… to face the imaginary monsters inside me.

The fear of getting rejected gets into me a lot. And it’s becoming scarier because as days go by, as I spend more time in my job — which basically consumes most of my time — I get more clingy.

Sometimes I have the urge to just meet with the people I built ties with. Sometimes I don’t want to see them often because I want to prepare myself when it’s time to say goodbye.

I still don’t know how to deal with attachments, I guess. Whenever I think about tomorrow, the next year, the future — I tell myself that I have to let them go eventually. Sure at some points in my life, they are the ones who made my existence fun, bearable and significant despite the little bullshit in between. Maybe one day I’ll look at this experience with tenderness and pain at the same time, because I couldn’t just put them in my bag and carry them wherever I go no matter how much I want to. God, this 20-something phase of my life makes me a creepy, emotional person. I wish I don’t have to think about these things.

I also revised my outlook in the job. I was planning to work on some requirements for my graduate studies this coming Christmas break but new things came up and that made me realize that I wasn’t ready to leave yet.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for a trigger that will make me leave despite all my attachments here. Probably a new job opportunity, or an extra annoying superior that’d make me hate my life and question my existence in this environment. Maybe just one trigger and I will be able to forget about my fears and move on.

So the trigger that just came wasn’t the one I expected, and that would not call for any leaving… at least, that’s what i think.

Just some confusing nights and a little bit of friends’ advice and I will be able to make it through. I have to face this sooner because of a deadline.

I guess the hardest questions are the ones answerable by “yes” or “no.” The answer itself is a commitment!

When I was first asked about it a couple of days ago, neither the aye nor nay has any weight. Now, there’s a slight chance I’d say “no.” My only worry is that if I say “no,” I wouldn’t know for sure where I’ll end up with after this year ends.

My quarter life crisis came a little earlier, don’t you think? Or maybe this isn’t really the crisis itself — just a foretaste of how harder it would get as I go through this make-or-break phase of my life. Huhuhu.

I guess the only good thing here is that my friends at work — at least most of them — are staying in the meantime. I’m not sure if I could deal with more feelings if they decided to push through with their plans to leave.

From the early next year “goodbye” as originally planned, I think I’m revising my targets to mid-2015 at least — and staying until my 3rd anniversary would probably make sense, barring any unforeseen circumstances!

Hay. Good thing there are no big family issues at this time. It helps that only a portion of my life is messed up!

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