Flooded by Uncertainties

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I want to laugh out loud and I also want to cry. The morning wasn’t particularly exciting despite a scheduled meeting with someone important. I was hoping that it will end with the answers to the questions but nothing changed. Somehow, I accepted defeat and realized that I have no choice but to adapt to the changes because at the very very back of my heart, I know, I want to see this through.

But I wouldn’t deny that in the middle of this all, something turned my surrender to annoyance and while mine is not as complicated as other problems that exist in this universe, I’d say this is something that I have been fighting for in the past couple of years.

Self-worth.

Time and again, I question the things I do and the decisions I make. Good so far, I must say, despite the little regrets in between. At this point, however, I feel like I’m at my craziest state judging from the recent feelings-related posts that I wrote.

I am so attached to a lot of things — friends, boss, my job. It’s becoming annoying. I am so annoyed at myself but I couldn’t seem to control it, as if I lost the authority over the steering wheel of my own life.

I try so very hard to contain it. But I can’t. I am bursting. The feelings are just so overwhelming.

How do I break down all the uncertainties to resolve my internal battles? I’m baffled at myself.

How can I say that I’m bored with my job when this is what I wanted all along? You can’t be bored when there are a lot of changes because they present a lot of new opportunities to grow. How come I feel that I am slowly losing my drive? That I need something to keep the fire burning? That I want to participate in this big party of changes? I feel like I’m not doing my job. Like the addict inside me is yearning for things I am not entitled to.

My efforts aren’t totally overlooked, but for a time now, I keep on feeling like I’m not needed here and my presence might be needed somewhere else. It’s as if I am of no value here and I could no longer contribute the way I should be contributing.

Somebody told me that maybe I should change something because “sometimes the anticipation can help distract the mind or help you realise new things.” But where do I begin?

I’m feeling quite evil as well because I keep on talking about things I shouldn’t care about. I do because it feels like something is wrong and something has to be done but no one is actually doing something.

I want to escape from this hullabaloo but I care too much about the people around me. I don’t want them to get hurt. I want to be there when they need me and I just can’t fail them. It’s not really much of an effort because I feel it deep down that this is what I wanted to do… to be by their side always, all ways. But sometimes, I feel like I’m not doing what I am supposed to do. First, I fail at work. It feels heavy that I am also failing people around me.

It’s too much.

I don’t want to disappoint but I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing for the longest time. Where did the reliable reporter/friend go?

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