Stuck in Reverse

Just got home and still feeling groggy. I sure need a really really good rest tonight but at 2:00 a.m., I found myself typing my feelings away.

The company outing was surprisingly fun. Even though it didn’t turn out as expected, the whole trip was somehow relaxing. We went to a resort where waves acted crazy all day, we weren’t given the chance to enjoy the beach so much. But since the waves were superb, we ended up going against the current and sometimes just going with the flow and while it hurt my body so much, it was somehow energising because it’s still a break from the usual Friday “day” routine.

One of the people closest to me at work didn’t join the outing. I somehow hoped she was there. But all the new guys are actually cool and fun to be with, given all the crazy games and laughable moments. Nice, really. Just somehow yearning for people I used to be with cause I’m sure it’s going to be more enjoyable with them. By people, I meant those who used to work with the same company. Anyway, I was able to spend quite some time with one reporter I don’t really chat with. Again, it was nice.

Also, I was able to somehow share some “old” feelings to another friend from work, my bus seat mate, to whom I don’t share much thoughts because I couldn’t talk about relationships with people. There are just a few ones to whom I could. But it was nice. It’s like knowing a friend a little better and I’d like to believe that a knowledge of what is happening or has happened to you could somehow help people understand why you behave in a certain manner.

The day was actually okay but another close friend from work texted me late in the afternoon, relaying what happened today (or yesterday cause it’s morning already). She said she finally tendered her long overdue resignation and I was speechless. I literally dropped my phone, not to the floor, but to the glass table because I don’t know how to contain the feelings.

I was happy that she’s finally moving on, and looking for a better place with greener pastures and more reasonable people. She deserves good things given all her sacrifices and stuff.

But I couldn’t help but feel sad, too. There’s still a possibility that we’ll continue seeing each other during coverages. I really hope this works because if not, a part of me will once again feel lonely. It’s inevitable. People leaving. But too many people already left, people I really really like and care about. And since she’s one of my best buddies at work, it would be extra hard. I just realized how lucky to have her, and some few friends, every time I need company. I am in dire need of company because I have a tendency to feel too alone.

She’s really one of the most treasured ones I have ‘cause she was there when I was a noob beginner and she was there to push me to keep going. I don’t know. She’s like some support system I’m not willing to lose. Selfish, but yeah. I always have selfish feelings. Everything is so one-sided.

Because the feeling eroded me, I just felt so eager to go out with my college friends. The night out was planned nearly a week ago and I would feel guilty miss it even though I was so damn tired from a long long trip from the beach.

My spirits were somehow lifted because I just love how we talk about fun stuff and at the same time discuss our internal dilemma — mostly on relationships and careers. There are people you need to see every now and then to escort you back on track or just paint a smile on your face after a long day.

In the middle of this all, I was talking to another friend — my most emotionally unstable friend and the discussion, as usual, was shielded by words. We get it, we understand what we are actually talking about without going so much into the specific details cause one of us, again as usual, is not really ready to totally spill the beans.

Here’s another negative feeling of empathy and vulnerability and helplessness because I wanted to do something to make him feel better but all I had was a virtual hug and words that can remind him that he isn’t so bad. After all, we all make wrong decisions; and mistakes are inevitable.

Our conversation however makes me feel somehow stranded in the middle ground because on the other end is another friend I really care about and no, I couldn’t weigh which friend acts more like a friend. Because I don’t do that. I think friends are there for different reasons and caring about them at almost the same level is fair.

So yeah. I just feel like talking. I have so much feelings. Wish I could deal with them better. I’m both overflowing and drained. I feel really cray… and sad (again).


Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think. :)

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