Layers and layers of feelings

I shut down my laptop after writing five stories today, uttered “Thank God for the day” and rested before I leave the place where I decided to work.

In this kind of job, I am nomadic. I write wherever the crunch time finds me. In this particular day, I found myself working at a hotel lobby after a lunch coverage. Unlike other hotels, this one oversees a populated development — just across is a mall and thoughts about you came flooding in.

I wondered how it would be should our thing went on. We’d probably meet after since you work in the area. Probably not, too, because as far as I know, you were assigned to monitor a project site in a province a little down south.

I started to recall all the plans we had and dates we planned. I couldn’t help but sigh at the thought that nothing really lasts in this world, especially not the few things we hope would never end.

I’m okay, by the way. I already got used to the normal routine before you came. I’m back to my old self — mostly thinking about work and fun. But in between idle moments, you and the idea of us somehow keep on flashing in my mind.

I also learned to somehow stop stalking you on Facebook. I only check your profile when I see updates like a tagged photo but unlike before, I no longer click your profile on a regular basis. I believe that’s a good thing.

However, I saw you online the other day and your post was about the opening of the new project you were monitoring. I felt your relief and joy after the completion of your first project. Congratulations. I wondered, though, how you celebrated that milestone in your career.

That post gave you a leeway for forgetting about my birthday. I could’t help it. Every single year since we were 12, we always talk on my birthday. This was the first time that we didn’t and even though I somehow expected that since we already fell through, at the back of my mind was a secret hope that you’d somehow take some time to utter a few words to me. You didn’t. Your family, relatives and friends did, but you didn’t. It was a little sad, but it’s okay. I guess that’s how things should be anyway.

Our common friend planned this celebration with you on the night of my birthday, but I was so confused I decided that I no longer wanted to see you. I rejected the plan and instead said I already had other engagements. (Good thing two of my closest friends were ready to rescue me!)

Amid the endless pleas by the convenor, I stood firm on my decision and made up my mind that I am not open to celebrate that day with you. Not a fucking chance.

A lot of stuff are happening in the coming months, mostly getaways and gatherings. Do you remember nearly a year ago when you kept on asking me to join you to a summer outing with your friends and I refused? I don’t regret refusing but somehow, I wondered if our thing would turn out as bitter as this if I decided to go with you?

There are just so many little things that remind me of you and most of them, I am able to shrug off. But some are just too insistent on reminding me of what had happened. At this same time last year, you were keen on pursuing me. Exactly one year and one day ago (based on my phone’s TimeHop App), we met for dinner and you introduced me to your friends. I hated that you surprised me that way, but I wondered if I was more chummy then, would you have left me?

I knew I once said that I’d end this drama but I just want to spill these thoughts. I no longer cry at night. I no longer wait for the messages that never come. I stopped waiting.

There’s only one more thing that I want to accomplish, that is to totally forget about what happened last year.

According to the book I’m currently reading, there is a serum that can reset the memory produced by the Abnegation. If that’s true, I’d probably choose the faction given the chance.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. jhabhabz23 says:

    “I also learned to somehow stop stalking you on Facebook. I only check your profile when I see updates like a tagged photo but unlike before, I no longer click your profile on a regular basis. I believe that’s a good thing.” – wow nay, same here!

    1. Claire says:

      Kailangan na ata natin magkita para magchikahan ah! :p miss yooouuu!

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