Tangled

I should be sleeping by this time because of an early engagement later but I couldn’t bring myself to do so because I want to release my feelings. I have lots of them but I don’t have anyone physically available right now to whom I can spill these thoughts.

I am so afraid of what’s about to happen next year even though everything is still uncertain. The moment one of my closest friends at work bared to me last Thursday his intentions of filing his resignation the following day, I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I’m sad. Call me selfish but I don’t want him to leave.

I have the knowledge that it’s coming and I am genuinely happy for him because he’s ready to move forward and take another leap for his future. I just didn’t see it coming too soon.

I tried to shrug off the feelings. I focused on my stories, attended a late coverage and came back just in time for our Christmas party — the last for the year, and my last with a bunch of people from work because a lot are leaving early next year.

I know that if he leaves, changes will be inevitable. There’s a big possibility that I’d be moved to another beat — which is fine with me at first, really. But looking back at the past year and how my life at work transpired with my Energy family at my side, I suddenly felt uncertain and afraid of what’s about to happen. These people… they are one-of-a-kind. They are like family to me. Even sources are friends to us. This is a very interesting and heartwarming environment.

Getting transferred to another beat means another set of adjustments, learnings, and birth pains. Then again, I know I can do it somehow. Maybe not quick but I will. I try. I always try.

But what pulls me back is the idea of being left alone by people who are part of my support system. They are the ones who always tell me to keep fighting and to never give up. So many workmates have left in the past year, some of them are the ones I really consider as friends. And more are leaving early 2014, and that makes me question my decisions in life. Do I really want to stay?

On my way home last Friday, my mind was filled with a lot of questions and feelings. I couldn’t bring myself to be really happy because where the hell am I going to get that? Can I buy that somewhere? I had a rough year… thought it’s going to finally end but it looks like it’s going to be extended.

I am so damn attached to people. Every time one leaves, I couldn’t help but feel like I want to go with him/her. I really wish we can control our feelings.

Jumbled thoughts. Scrambled words. I’m really sorry I am so talkative.

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