Shout out, then, Shut up

I was mad because you left me hanging on thin air. I never thought you’d be capable of doing that. You destroyed my faith in the innocence of first love. I never understood why you had to come back and break me.

I was mad because you made me feel special. I was blunt and frank at first, dismissing all your endearing acts. I was firm and was holding on to the idea that I would never want us back together because I felt the need to explore, to meet new people, to let go of the attachment that never snapped.

I was mad because you pursued me. Because you didn’t give up and I appeared like a girl who was helpless as you pampered me with attention. You made me feel like I was part of your life even though I barely know the new you. I was mad because I believed every single thing you said.

I was mad because you made me feel that feeling I already dismissed a few years ago. We talked about things we never talked about before. You revealed a lot of secrets, quirks. I admitted that I already knew some of them beforehand but it was painful coming from you. I told you it’s fine even though it’s not. I told you I understand how much you have changed but at the back of my mind, I was thinking how to deal with all those changes not only because I had to but because I wanted to.

I was mad at you because, then, you never failed to wake me up with your “good morning” messages. You were always there to listen to all my rants. You were there to absorb all those negative feelings.

I was mad because a few weeks after you told me you want me to be your forever partner in life, you disappeared.

I was mad at you because you were a coward.

I was mad at you because I told you what I felt, although indirectly. I told you I suck at relationships but you said I should explore and give it a try, so I did. But what the hell happened? Where did you go?

I was mad because you assured me your feelings were real and I believed you. You proved it but eventually changed your mind.

I was mad at you for making me feel special. For making me smile in the middle of deadlines. For spending time with me even though our schedules seldom give us quality time to meet.

I was mad because you were so insistent on dating me and while I was so afraid to face you, you convinced me anyway.

I was mad because you made me do stupid things. Among others, you made me go back from the bus terminal to the mall just so we could go home together. Of course you don’t know that. I was mad because I did things I should’ve not done because I wanted us to work out.

I was mad at you for introducing me as “classmate back in highschool” when I was at your place even though most of the people there knew we were not just classmates in high school. You lied about me.

I was mad because you made me cry a lot when you left. I haven’t cried like that since a couple of years ago. I never thought I’d feel those negative emotions again.

I was mad because you left without a good bye and it left me wondering what the hell was wrong with me. If only you had the courage to tell me what went wrong, I’d probably be selfless and just let you go again. At least that would be a start… changing whatever was wrong with me. If that’s the case, I’d probably understand you. I probably won’t end up this mad at you.

I was mad because when I finally earned the guts to ask you what happened, you dismissed it and acted like nothing really happened. Like all those mushy conversations as we planned for our future didn’t exist.

I was mad at you because you hurt me so bad that I started to question my existence.

I was mad because I remember you a lot. When I’m at a certain place and talking to certain people even though I didn’t want to.

I was mad because I didn’t know it would be this hard to feel okay, to feel good. It had been three months exactly already. You know I always remember, the same way I counted the years we spent as pseudo-friends, pseudo-lovers.

I was mad because I realized that after all those years, I terribly failed at letting you go. It’s like I never learned my lesson. I always get too attached to people. Now, I really want to move on and forget. So please, just please, stop messing with me.

Thank you, by the way, because it felt nice. I felt loved again and I learned how to trust again.

Whatever happens, I wish you happiness. Thank you for coming to my life and let’s stop this game. We’re not just friends. We couldn’t be friends.

Now, I AM MAD because I’m finally letting go of the grief. I am mad because I forgive so easily. I am mad because I’m still hurt but no longer that mad at you.

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7 Comments Add yours

  1. Some lines here are… somehow… relevant to what I feel right now. 😦 I hope to talk to you again, soon. I have some things to share with you.

    1. Claire says:

      Let’s talk! Utilize those social networking shit. Haha

      1. Oo nga, no. Kapag natsambahan kita sa Facebook chat. :))

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