It’s funny that for the longest time, I pictured you as someone who is perfect — That you were that one person who will never make me feel bad about myself. You were way too perfect to do that. You were charming and nice and such a real gentleman. You were so fucking amazing. You trust me too much.
It would have been a match made in heaven. You and I, along with flowers and butterflies. As I navigated from high school to college, and from college to the so-called real world, you were there. Not always, but enough to make me feel that you never deserted me, that you never actually left.
We finally realized that we are a heck older than when we first met in our teeny-weeny 12-year-old selves. It seemed like ages ago. Just like ourselves, our conversations matured and turned into something more serious, more worth-recalling, more… intellectual? Then I realized that we never really talked when we were 12… if you know what I mean. All we did was hold hands, hug non-stop, and do the sweet talking without actually talking.
That’s why when we finally got to that point when we could actually talk about life as life, not life as something that just passes by, it was so nice that I felt like maybe, after all those years, we are still meant to be.
But I was plagued with hesitations because I don’t want us. I don’t want us because I felt like if we became us again, we are just doing that for the sake of other people’s visual pleasure associated with comments like “meant-to-be” and “true love” like two high school kids who ended up together after so many years.
I didn’t want that. I don’t want that, still, because I believe we deserve better partners — even though I admitted a thousand times already that you were, and still are, the best I ever had.
If things will work, it should have worked a long time ago, I insist. So we decided to set aside the us and just play along with life. But this growing connection is impossible to miss with these weird talks, late night conversations, amazing realizations, and dreams and aspirations we have set for ourselves.
What the fuck is pulling me back? I feel like some psycho, and lost kid that doesn’t even know what to do with my life.
Then it hit me. Amid the perfect conversations and the magical connection, I saw something. Its a loophole and its a big one. That loophole is pulling me back. That loophole is “your insecurities.”
I wouldn’t detail that because it sounds lame and immature, but I’m just so tired of dealing with your insecurities. I never, not once, judged you and what you can do. I never ever underestimated you. I trusted you, believed in you because I know you can do and you can achieve whatever you want in your life.
I’m just so tired of your subtle insecurities and the way you keep on comparing me… with yourself. We are two insanely different people. I respect that and I know you respect that too. But if you want this thing to work, please, just please, get over it. Accept that I accept you and I don’t want you to be someone else, I don’t need you to be something bigger.
It’s your ego you say? I get that. But if that ego will be the same thing that will haunt you whenever you think about the future, then deal with your ego and just let me go.