If I could just explain everything that I am feeling right now…
I feel so scared, so terrible, so sad. I try to at least look at the positive side, but the optimism just last for about 10 seconds and then I’m back to my usual self, the usual self I became a couple of hours ago.
I’m scared. I never realized that listening for more than an hour can cause more stress than slacking for a couple of hours vis-à-vis working on something important. It’s like I am listening and making eye contact, but I couldn’t even comprehend the words, let alone digest the whole situation.
I never felt this scared before, and it happened in a matter of an hour or so, like it’s so instant while I was just sitting there, listening, trying to understand but couldn’t. I’m not really the over confident type of person, but I am somehow I fighter, and I don’t know. I still feel scared, uncertain, shaky like I’m gonna breakdown any minute now.
I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but well, this is not a suicide note. I just want to share these feelings. I just want to share that at this exact moment, while typing this letter, I feel like someone’s pinching my heart, ergo causing pain and making my heart beat faster than ever.
I feel so terrible, that I almost lost that fighting spirit. I don’t know, it’s like I don’t know anything significant and I don’t even know if what I’m talking about right now even makes sense. You know that feeling? When you just feel so bad and all those negative emotions come pouring in, simultaneously, and you just feel so helpless that you end up just staring without even seeing anything. I feel so… I don’t know.
Sad, because the truth is I have to let go of my plans because I am no longer in control. I really want to see her, be with her, talk about nothing and everything and learn every single detail that’s happening in her life. I wanna be involved because I am concerned and I love her and it pains me that I haven’t seen her in two straight weeks, and it feels odd and unusual and I don’t want her to think that I don’t care a bit because really I do. I really care and love her and miss her and wanna hug her right now if only I could. If only I could just stay with her until she gets better, and well, until she comes home. I wanna be there. I really really miss her and love her and I feel like we’re slowly disconnecting because I just couldn’t be with her.
Sorry for blabbering. It’s just that I want one single day to sort out my feelings, figure out stuff, and organize my thoughts and I could start today but I couldn’t because I haven’t even cried yet. I want to release the emotions by crying. I just want to take just a couple of hours to cry. But guess what, I’m too busy to cry. Im too busy of thinking about stuff, about my uncertainties. By the way, I’m totally aware that soon, everything will be fine, slowly but well, surely. But then again, I feel like im entitled to doubt myself every now and then, and blabber about stuff people just don’t care about, and just cry out loud because I just couldn’t shake off the feeling no matter how hard I try.
I was with friends a couple of hours ago and we watched a movie, its my way of savoring, carpe diem of some sort even though its just a movie date but you have to know that im not the spontaneous type of person who goes out whenever I want because I always make sure that my priorities are still in tact, and I put important things first. But well, its distressing before the real stress.
Sometimes I hate to admit this, but really, pressure startles me. But still, I believe that if they don’t believe in me, I should start believing in myself, because really, who would? They scare me, and I read somewhere that when you expect something bad, at least the impact is lesser when it hits you, so its some sort of preparation.
But anyway, I just wrote this down because I feel so disturbed and alone and lonely, and I know I said I feel so scared and terrible and sad at the beginning of this letter, but who cares? You don’t, do you?
If you reached this end, thank you for reading. But guess what? You wasted precious minutes of your life. I did too.
Take note that I was inspired with the recent movie that I watched, not in a motivated kind of inspired though… so I’ll end this letter with…