For months, you are always in my mind. I keep on thinking of you because I’m hoping that you’d somehow provide the answer to my question, the cure to my pain, the love that I so long to have. I’ve been talking to you like I used to talk to God. It feels better to have someone to share your thoughts, although at some points, it seems non-sense because I get no response from you. Tay, I miss you. It’s been years and I keep on wondering how my life would go if you are still here. I want to share something to you. And I want to write it down because whenever I talk, the words I utter do not encapsulate all the thoughts that I have. And I hope, at least by this, I could be able to somehow express it… probably in a better manner.
The other night, I opened a book (Captivating a Woman’s Heart). I guess I already finished the book, and after a while I just felt like opening it, with no real intention of reading it. I landed on this chapter that talks about women who are hurting. Because according to the book, women wanted to show that they are tough and strong and can survive anything that come their ways. But women do not seem to realize that in their vulnerability lies their greatest strength. What women needs to do is to lift up their pains to God, and be vulnerable. Women needs to invite God in their hearts so that they may be cured, so that God will help them. Because God cares, because He is always there and he never left. Tay, I was crying then, because it doesn’t feel that way. Because Tay, I feel so alone, and all I do is talk to God, talk to you, and talk to other imaginary beings like Skeeter (my teddy bear). I share my emotions, my pains, my worries and fears. I tried to invite God and surrender everything but for months, I feel that it isn’t working at all.
And then Tay, today, I just finished the movie Fireproof. I watched it because it is required. It’s about marriage, fighting for marriage, saving the marriage. But in the movie, I found something similar with the message that the book I read the other day gave me. It’s when the Caleb Holt (the guy in the marriage) talked to his father, and he said that God is not interested in his problems. But his father disproves that. I love the idea that they are talking in front of the cross. And man! There’s this part when Caleb said that he keeps on doing things for his wife, Catherine, over and over, and Catherine just rejects him over and over, his father implied a message by pointing at the cross. God does the same. He tries to court us, gives us things, loves us, and we keep on rejecting him. When Caleb finally welcomed God into his life, the Love Dare isn’t that hard. He even exceeded the required 40 days. Because really, it does not have to end. Come on, Tay. I know I do not need to tell the whole story because you know it. But those parts, they are really significant to me. I wish I could talk to you right now, and you could answer, and all we have to converse about is your undying faith… until your last day. Tay, I miss you.
I remember during our retreat, Fr. Allen gave a homily. And that homily got trapped in me. He said that the homily is saying something personal about us, that although we fail to recognize it, with faith, we’ll come to realize that every sermon, there is something that God wants to tell us! Oh my! God responds, not only through signs and blessings, but also through the homilies. It’s wonderful, Tay. How I seem to involve myself in the Holy Mass. I wish this will go on.
Tay, I still wonder what life will be if you are with us here today. I wonder how you’ll discipline us, and handle our issues. You’re great Tay. I miss you so bad. I long for the understanding and love you can give, and I’m happy that even though you seem so faraway, I can still communicate with you.
Sometimes, I want to be with you there, really. But Tay, I know God has better plans. I don’t know when all these things will end. But I’ll hold on. Thanks Tay. You taught me this faith, and I will hold on to this until the end. I love you. I miss you.