If there’s one word to describe my 2011, that’d be TOUGH. Besides the fact that I didn’t enjoy it as much as I enjoyed 2010, I faced one hell of a life. And to start my year, guess I have to spill something about myself – changes, (which is by the way, inspired by my Marriage and Family homework).
There is something about myself and this one is hard. I
I used to be an open book – someone who shares almost every detail of my life to others. My parents raised me this way. They let me do what I want and let me suffer the consequences of misdeeds. Although they never told me to tell them everything, I never tried to keep anything from them or tell them everything. They just discovered them, and I knew I had nothing to be ashamed of. Way back in high school, our occasional fights surfaced on topics like “too much love for friends and boy friend”, and “no time for the family”. Back then, my father was part of a prominent company and there were always social gatherings, which I refused to go. I was not a rebel. I was just not that into socializing with the upper class people. My parents, my siblings and my teachers knew this attitude of mine, in the same way that they knew how I spend my nights at home or outside home. I was not afraid to be judged so I always spilled details of my life. I always shared problems with people. That’s me, I didn’t keep secrets.
The climax of my life happened when my world turned upside down. We went from riches to rags, and it was a challenge to survive. I lost my so-called friends, and broke up with my boy friend. My grades went down, and I lost several school competitions. It was too hard for me for everything to change in a flick of a finger. Then, I started to build ties with my family, and we grew together in faith and love. This change in me is known to many. I learned to value my family more than anything else.
But as I grow old and grow up, things changed a lot. I started to slowly close my life, and occasionally open it to very few people. I became more guarded, probably because I entered college and since I came from a province, my instinct told me to be cautious. I found friends, the friends I have since first year in college and nurtured the friendship through the years in college. I slowly opened up, but parts of my life story are reserved. I am no longer the open book, because although I wanted to share everything, I find it hard to do so. I learned to keep things to myself to protect others. Family problems were seldom opened up, and even my relationships were discreet. I could not explain the change, and I couldn’t even say that I am happy with it. With too much reservations, I feel like I am hiding in a mask. Of course, my friends knew me and my family, and the way I actually act around people. But the problems were kept inside me that I find myself crying alone when in pain. I no longer write long letters, or make long phone calls. I am a changed person.
My faith in high school until the early years of college was so strong that I never forget to pray and go to the mass. I preached what I know, and I was active in church. Lately, I’ve been missing it and up to now I am still trying to work on my faith. The year 2011 was so hard for me that I felt like my life is in total chaos, and I haven’t told a friend about what I am going through in life, especially in my family. I don’t think it is the right time. I used to feel the happiest. My family was once an epitome of a perfect one and my friends believe so, too. I am always wondering when will I feel satisfaction again when it comes to relationships. Right now, I’m finding it hard to create ties and nurture relationships. I feel like since my family is falling, my relationships will fall too. My foundation of good friendships came from the way my parents raised me as an individual. If the foundation is weak, the building is shaky and could fall anytime. I am so afraid. I am so afraid to be myself again, to open specifics of my life. I am so afraid to fall and lose everything again. The linchpin is my faith, I know, but somehow, I am struggling with it too. Some things just don’t change easily and I realized that as I grow up, things are getting harder and harder.
There’s not much to say about me except that probably I’m going through some sort of emotional distress now. But somehow, I am still hopeful that someday, I’ll let my guards down slightly and open up to the people I know I can really trust.
BUUUUUT. I am definitely looking forward for 2011. I am hoping that I could somehow open up the matters that bother me to my college best friend, you know, to make the feeling lighter. Someday, somehow, soon.
This doesn’t look like a year-ender at all. Well to wrap it up, I’m still glad. I am glad that I still have people with – happy people (friends from the superb block, my favorite high school barkada, gaguhan friends, and others) that help me appreciate life. Won’t be saying something like “2012, be good to me”, because really, the phrase is overused that it’s almost wearing out. Nonetheless, I’m looking forward for 2012’s surprises and I’ll do my best to cope well, to cope better.
Happy 2012 friends!