I’m dreading to share this.

I had a dream. A very very bad dream last night.

Ever since I grew apart from K, we only have occasional chats thru calls, and text messages. The growing apart is never an issue to us. We accepted it like its something natural. There are times that we talk like we’re still the kind of people we used to be, like we both still have an eye for each other. But the reality is, we do not. We no longer have.

With the issue of making each other feel special, occasionally again, that’s just the way we handle things. Like we are casual former lovers. Like we actually became one, even though we did not.

But here’s the catch. The dream haunted me all day today, and I wanted to breath it out.

He died. I wasn’t sure how and why. But I found myself slowly walking inside Lola’s house (his gramma). I stood in front of a coffin, his mom and aunt beside me. It was the same scenario more than a year ago when Lolo (his grandad) died. Except that, on that day, I stared at the coffin and saw K. With reasons yet unclear for me, I wasn’t able to see his face clearly, or even what he’s wearing. All I know was that he’s dead, he’s gone, and I slowly stepped back. His Mom talked to me, like she dreaded to tell me everything. For the record, I knew, he talked about how K died. But then again, I just couldn’t remember her story. I remembered her hugging me tight, crying. I was not crying. I just felt heavy. I hugged her back. Then she disappeared, and his Tita (I’m not sure who between his two aunts in his dad’s side) smiled at me, and hugged me, and told her story. Just the same, she eventually faded. And what happened next was blurry.

I do not remember going there everyday. But I do remember that on the day of his burial, I went to their house and saw nothing. I went to the church, but it wasn’t his burial. It was a stranger’s. I saw people, lots of them. And I tried to look for the common faces. Until his last day, I did not see K. I saw his mom, but she disappeared. It felt heavy.
When I woke up. I thought something was up. I drank medicine, and went back to bed and even before I closed my eyes, I remembered this dream. I couldn’t explain why, but I just felt heavy again. I did not cry but I felt terrible. I texted K. I told him I missed him and shared that I had a dream about him. And when he replied, I couldn’t tell him the dream. I did not know how. “I dreamed about you. Dead.” So I left it at that. At least I know he’s alive. Ha ha!

Anyways. I probably just missed him that bad.

K and I, in one of our outings!


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