Ad Infinitum

on

It’s been raining since I don’t know when. Sometimes, I just get the feeling that I ought to open the laptop and type in something. Something I really don’t know about. And mind you, what comes next after this sentence is totally unplanned…

I’ve been spending my nights, reading books and thinking too much about school stuff. I’m in my senior year and I feel pressure peeping in even before it actually does. I know I’ve been stressing myself too much lately, but what can I do? I don’t have other things to think about except responsibilities. True enough, extracting pleasure from what I’m doing seems next to impossible.

Honestly, I’m looking forward to several events. Atop of them all, of course, is to get all my academic requirements done, not only for the semester, but for the entire academic year as well. In such case, I’ve been also thinking a lot how. And not doing a thing. You know, life as we know it.

So anyway, I’m actually trying to serve several masters at the same time. And I apologize for this very random blog entry, in which I don’t intend to rant entirely, but will possibly be the outlet of my complaints and problems.

Handling a publication is not easy, and what makes it more complicated is that it is a voluntary work composed mostly of senior students trying to get all their academic requirements done, and living their last year in college to the fullest, which everyone is entitled to. But then again, it is harder to risk your name and be blamed for all the rough cliffs the publication might be heading to – financial, staff-related, et.al. Inasmuch as I want to get it done fast, I can’t because I have to consider people around me, especially those who I work with. I just wanted to get this thing done. Well of course, I wanted it to be nice and all, but that would mean looooots of hard work, and sacrifices. Sometimes I wonder if all these sacrifices will be worth it in the end.

And hell academic requirements. I seriously believe that professors should stop holding classes, unless they are “REALLY” going to teach us something that “MIGHT” help us in the nearest future. One more month, and ALL requirements must be passed. All subjects, mind you. And final requirements are not easy – never easy. Far along with this comes my academic requirement that’ll make or break my future – thesis. Well, sometimes, I think our topic is kind of shallow. But when I tried to indulge into the pre-test thing, coding isn’t really that smooth. And add up the fact that although I and my group are sure of where we were heading, we don’t know exactly if we are hitting the correct steps. Be there a mistake, I’m really unsure if we’ll be able to know without the help of people superior to us, people who are barely available.

Well honestly, besides all these stuff, I wanted events to happen fast: retreat, graduation, semestral break, my last paskuhan as an undergraduate, holidays and all. I know all will be worth it, but I wonder if all these things will make me happy in the end.

What’ll make me happy then? I don’t know. I have my family, the perfect set of high school barkada, and the best college friends one could ever wish for. Although there are tough times, it’s easier to deal with them – or escape in the least. But then again, I can feel that there is a gap – something missing. No, not love life, mind you. But something I couldn’t really pinpoint to.

Okay. You can blame me for being so choosy, and distracted and all. I know I’ve been dwelling in the past too much – relying on my ever faithful ex-boyfriend as a source of “kilig”, and other ex-flings for occasional spark. But I just don’t have the enough courage to take the risk, wander through, and explore. It’s my last year in college, and I ought to make it better by doing all that I can, I HOPE, so that I’ll be able to graduate on time.

And yes, starting over. Life at home is tiring sometimes. I know life in the dormitory is much sadder, but this year is the only year that I felt like going home doesn’t really feel like going home. There are lots of family issues and problems, which are not raised to us by our parents but I know because I’m nosy. Ma once confessed, and I just stopped talking since I already know what she was talking about. And I didn’t like the sound of it. I realized that sometimes its better to know them all by myself because it’s too painful to hear them directly from the people damn dear to you.

So, what about starting over? Well, cheers! Our home is finally done, although not yet fully furnished. There are lots of reasons why my parents insisted on creating that house. And it’s too much pain the heart, sometimes. But I feel that moving out, without relatives to depend on, or to offend, will be much better than carrying the burden of raging anger, and anxiety towards people dear to me. I know my big family is the happiest, but sometimes, my happiness isn’t all that matters.

Going drama over here ha?

I am going through a lot right now. But I just can’t explain it. I just can’t tell anyone random about what is really up – my hunches, my problems, my heavy feelings. I know in time, all will be well. But I wish it would be easier. And I wish it occurred not in my last year in college because in less than a year or so, I’m going to start my own life and face the future that awaits me. And I am not really that excited, not with all these issues I have for myself. Geez. I am so distracted.

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