Old Feeling.

These past few days, I am relentlessly trying to recollect my thoughts and feelings during that extreme get together I had with my high school friends. I want to blog the extremity of my feelings… not merely concerning the gettog itself, but toward someone who used to be extremely special to me.

Tonight, I was confronted by one of my closest friends, one of the master mind of the set-up, and one of the few who knew that my old feelings toward my ‘someone’ were not yet fully gone.


May 7th, evening.

I was having some fun with five of my friends splurging on the swimming pools, and screaming to death. We were only six since the other three were out to fetch two other friends.

When they came, I jumped off the pool and said my hello’s to Sam and asked where the rest were. I actually invited him to join the hella fun on the pool. But instead, he said “we have a surprise for you… J’s here.”

I couldn’t help but react violently in words. I mean, I had seen him a few times back and I remembered having butterflies in my stomach just by mere chance of seeing him again. And that night, he was actually there… with the rest of my our friends.

Together with my other friends, we decided to join the newcomers while eating so that we could share some talks, you know, catching up.

It felt awkward. It felt awkward being with him again after a while. I just realized that my feelings were not entirely gone. I observed him, not too afar. He changed a lot, except that he still thin and somewhat alluring. He smoked and drunk a lot. He spoke of vulgar words a lot. He made fun of people a lot. But somehow, I couldn’t help but notice him. I had no particular positive attitude or deed in mind, but what kept me thinking about him all night was him… simply him. It had been years, and we were good friends. But the feeling that night was like we were not friends. It felt like we just broke up again, or we just met each other that night. Really, I couldn’t understand.

Occasionally, we were the subjects of taunts and teases. Of course, we used to be lovers and although all the people there pretty know that we were in good hands even after the big break up, they did not cease to recall how we used to be the perfect couple. It was a high school love.

I don’t want to sound assuming and jutting, but I caught him staring at me several times. He had that look in his eyes that I couldn’t help but give meaning… he used to stare at me that way, years back. That stare, when he visited me in school barely two years ago. Again, I felt like I wanted to be with him again. I don’t know. Presumptuous enough, eh?

But hey! He handled teases discreetly. He never denied me or what. He did not even try to escape jokes about us. However, as for my part, I tried to bow my head and keep myself from smiling… and blushing.

A friend of mine even commented that he pitied me that night because I obviously couldn’t handle the jokes, and it was as if I still have feelings for him… which I am not sure of.

Although I could say that I still have butterflies in my stomach whenever I am with him, or just whenever I see him unplanned somewhere, I couldn’t suffice that I still have the same feelings. It faded, it was almost gone. But it cannot be called love because it wasn’t enough… if I’d spell out my feelings, it could be an L and an O, but letter V and E were missing. Yuck. But hopeful? I somehow foresaw us together after several years. He was still the best I ever had after all.

I still love the way he acts around my family. Did I ever say that he spent several hours the next day at my place to watch NBA Playoffs and to take a nap? Everybody at home seemed excited to see him. Ate Ellen, the housekeeper, greeted him and asked him his whereabouts. Mom did not recognize him until he was gone. He even asked me “Is that J”. I laughed. I did not even realize that it has been a year after they last saw him. My youngest sister, J’s forever baby, smiled at him to bid good bye and finally exclaimed that his “Kuya” J looked different. A little more blooming perhaps.

He was still conscious. I could feel it. But just the same uneasiness I somewhat feel when I am with his family.

When we broke up. It was hard for me. But after a year, I somehow loosened my grip. But there are several things that kept me holding on, someway, to the littlest hope – our families.

My family loves him, Ma, sister, Ate Ellen, and Ate. His family loves me too, no doubt! That kept us together. In fact, his parents felt grateful and happy whenever they receive news that we saw each other again. How sweet. They did not even realize that we meet up just for the need of the other, in terms of school requirements.

Today. I stared at a little hoop on my finger.

More than 5 years ago, J gave me a ring on the exact date that we became officially on. I lost it 4 months later, and I cried a hell of tears because I know it’s expensive for him. Yes, 500 bucks is very expensive for a high school student who treats me for snacks and lunch. He consoled me then and told me, “you can lose everything I gave you, but don’t ever lose me. Hindi ko kakayanin.”

Come February 28, 2010 – a day after my debut party. He dropped by my house, and handed me a gift. I honestly thought it was a bracelet or an earring… but it was a ring. Questions came running through my mind. Why did he give me a ring? We actually talked about it all night, and he hoped that it fits on my right ring finger. That night, it did. The following days, it was kind of loose. But I wear it there anyway, until today…

The ring reminds me of him, of our memories, of a little spark of hope that someday we might still end up together. In my mind, I anticipate that we were the one who’d put into reality the happy ending of ‘One More Chance’. I don’t know why the feeling, but I guess my favorite line that says he is still the best I ever had, will explain them all. If a real love story knocks me down, I’ll probably keep these all in my memory – saved. But so far, I still had not got the chance to meet someone who can make me feel the same, or at least better. True, he treated me with love, respect and care. He made me feel special in unique ways. I just can’t explain. But I think I still love him, maybe… maybe not.

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